Venting Machine

The title is a description of how I have come to see this blog. Recently I've been feeling deep bouts of frustration and, erm, depression? I don't really know if it's that severe yet, but I guess I can call it that since some really dark thoughts come to the fore whenever I'm 'depressed'. I won't say what those dark thoughts are though, because a) I am stupid enough to not want to admit them to myself just yet and b) I might regret putting them out here.

A lot of the feelings I've bee going through lately (okay, I don't like that sentence's opening cos it makes me sound like I'm an Oprah/that emotional girl in Mean Girls) have been a result, indirect or direct of the people around me, and strangely, my over-attachment to social media.

I always feel a little bad attributing my frustrations and mistakes to the people I surround myself with, cos I'm always worried that I will become one of those people who keeps blaming others for their problems instead of looking a little closer for the source of those issues - themselves.

But now I think, I keep blaming myself for every negative emotion I've been through in the past few months (or longer?), and I don't think I want to do it much longer. Of course, I realize that we are the ruler of our destinies, that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent blah blah blah, but lemme tell you, it can get tiring letting yourself carrying all the emotional load, whether or not they were self-induced. Cos you know, we girls can have the tendency to be oversensitive and dramatic.

If I wanna stop blaming myself for all those emotions though, I would have to resolve them by telling someone about them, or tell it straight up to the person who I'm not completely satisfied with. That's a hard part. Now I'm gonna venture into some pretty annoying territory. You have been warned. It's hard because a) in every person I love and have around me, there's still something I immensely doubt or dislike about them and b) some of these people may react defensively or drastically to those 'vents'. Maybe some of them will look at me in a completely different manner that is also irreversible. I might lose some friends. I might be hated by everybody.

Ah, like I said, I can be dramatic, but yeah, sheet could happen.

Of course, one may argue that true friends or true loved ones won't perceive or treat you any differently just because of some grievances that you have concerning them (except maybe in the ways that you want them to change). True ones will stand by you, be honest with you in return, and continue to do so for a very long time.

Heck, who knows? Maybe those people I have gripes about will do just that - stay. But I've got fears, and many of them center around the ominous theme of being alone. *here comes the drama again*

Maybe what I should do, is have more faith. But my complaints aren't that minor. I probably have more than one big one for certain people. Could they take it? And plus, what if my judgment is wrong? What if the things that I dislike about that person (and which affect my mood and is starting to corrode our relationship) are irrational? Often we are too blinded by our own desires, needs and rage, and in that we may fail to see the real truth. Something which can easily lead to a heated debate about what the real truth is, and if there even is a real truth in this world, but I will digress cos that will steer me away from what I originally was talking about.

Of course, just like there are some long standing frustrations, there are also some minor ones *this is where I can get annoying too* Geeky, self-indulgent things like not getting responses (or enough/right ones) to my tweets, plurks, photos, Facebook activities and the like always riles me up.

I've fallen victim to the curse of the 21st Century Generation-er. Truthfully, in any other time and place, those things would barely have mattered (particularly in times where those things above didn't even exist!). Yet now, they're a constant source of tiny, but nonetheless highly irritating thorns in my side.

I wish I knew how to solve this. I know I should focus more on the other things that I have, like my music, my family (though they're humans so I will always have some doubt attached to them =/), my wardrobe (don't you dare snortle. This is very important to me), my education, plus other 'blessings' I have had in life. The air quote is because blessing is a very corny word to use, but I guess that's what they are.

I take a moment and wonder about the mood I'm currently in. I suppose I feel better than I felt last night, and this morning. Writing about things here doesn't solve my problems in any way whatsoever, but I reckon that I can feel a teeny bit better by doing so.

Still, that doesn't change the fact that the best thing to do in the long run is to solve those disheartening emotions that are dragging me down in the first place. I hate feeling like I always have something to be unhappy about, or that other people can make me unhappy just like that, sometimes without realizing.

I bet it doesn't help that I don't particularly like myself, and that over the years I have begun to suspect that I am, as a matter of fact, repulsive. My jokes about becoming a cat lady are never truly fully jokes. I believe it could happen. Either that, or I die at the ripe old age of 21. I think I would like for that to happen. It sure would help to lessen humankind's massive carbon footprint.

This is a morbid side - but nonetheless related - thought, but right before I slept last night, I thought about how people would react after I died. I felt, as stupid as this sounds, happy at the thought of people possibly being shattered to pieces at my demise, though of course you're more likely to find a shopping mall in the middle of the Sahara desert.

Sometimes, and this is where it gets really bad, I think of leaving right now and seeing how big (or little) of an impact I have left behind. It doesn't have to be leaving in that way. Maybe I could try getting lost. Would anyone come to find me? Would they instigate a search for me? Or would they just try to call me a few times and revert back to their usual lives after a few failed tries?

Somehow I feel better thinking that it will be the last outcome, even though it does make me a little down. Aha! I think I have self-destructive tendencies! But I realize that when I say it it makes me sound more like a wannabe than an actual psychologically mad person.

I'm possibly also interested in the idea of 'leaving' because I want to know the truth behind people's impressions of me, or if I have left any inkling of that at all. I may be overly suspecting, but who is to know if things are what they seem to be? And no, none of this was influenced by my recent trip to see Salt. That was a pretty solid movie by the way.

Alright alright. I think I'm done ranting for now. My mind is somewhat cleared of clutter for the time being, and when it becomes overwrought with worry and mental disease again, I'll come back, and rant. Some. More. *cues evil laugh*

This is probably the one form of therapy I can afford for the time being anyway, until I get enough money one day to consult a shrink. That would be fun. ;)