Breathe.

Alright, so before I start I'm just going to warn those who actually frequent this place, that if you're in a really great mood or simply don't have the stomach for any form of darkness/negativity/slight depression (even in measured amounts), you really shouldn't read this. In other words, this is just a detour from my usual entertainment-based content in order to focus on - maybe? - detoxing my mental state from all the weight that I've been feeling inside for a long time now.

At this point, I don't quite know why I should still care about conventions and other people's thoughts of me, but I guess if I don't I wouldn't be here right now. And so before you pass some judgment, in my defense I have to clarify that this isn't an 'emo' post. Besides, the current overuse of the word emo is starting to be insulting towards its source, which is the music genre of emo. No. Right now my post is centered on what I would call an evaluation of my doubts and worries. Oh yeah, this isn't PMS either. I mean, please.

I honestly have no idea, when such emotions happen, whether it is because I'm going mad or if I'm really feeling it and have no one to turn to. Either way, it doesn't help the way I feel. I can say one thing for certain though, and that's if a certain something keeps popping up, there's a reason why it's acting that way. It's the same reassuring logic with everything else in life - everything happens for a reason. Son died? God wants you to be stronger and/or perhaps teach you to be even more loving towards your other children. Broke up with the love of your life? Maybe he wasn't the love of your life after all. But these are just my (unnecessary) 2 cents worth to support my logic, and I am deviating from my main point.

I'm pretty sure that, with all the things I've been saying so far, though they might just be less than 2 paragraphs thus far, the ones who actually went forward and are reading this right now are majorly perplexed. I find that I tend to trip people up that way. My mind works in a way that no one understands, and that includes my parents, my friends and heck, occasionally myself. Not to sound cocky (and trust me I am not), but I regularly defy conventions, and to defy is to self-isolate. You can have people who supposedly love you and want to know how you are doing, but none of that matters if you already a) know that it is futile ground and b) have doubts they really mean what they say.

And here's another thing that just acts as the icing to all the bittersweet chocolate cake you're seeing here. Apparently, I'm good at hiding my feelings. The real ones. It's not to say that I don't behave genuinely towards anyone. In fact, when these emotions of mine don't spring up, I am honestly happy with all the aforementioned people. I laugh, I cry from laughing, I smile and I feel warm inside.

It's just that when I go into a state that is less than the calm, joke-cracking demeanor that a lot of my loved ones are used to, I still want to give the impression that I am all good, because I don't want to give people the feeling that I am flaky and an emotional wreck. It's also because I can manage it, and because a lot of the time people around me are not feeling so good themselves, I have to be the one who maintains the calmness to keep everything from going haywire. Shouldn't there always be one in a community, regardless of how big or small, who has to try to keep everything in place because that person is more capable of NOT losing his/her cool? I might be that person.

This has nothing to do with arrogance. It does, however, have a lot to do with the fact that I am better able to keep my feelings under wraps, and also because I like being the one that holds everyone together, even if I may be the only one who thinks I am doing this job.

But then there will always be a time when something comes up, and everyone else agrees on the same thing, and I can't because it's not the way I feel. And for some reason, I will feel that with my voicing out, I will once again be alienating myself, and perhaps draw the confusion and hatred of the others. I know there is someplace out there that does not work this way. Some place out there is capable of accepting people no matter what they think, how they look and how they feel. But that place, at least for now, is not where I am at the moment.

As you might've guessed, it's not also just because I find I don't agree with people on a lot of things. I also don't see important parts of myself in others. Maybe they're around, but right now I don't see them, and I haven't met them yet.

Now, when I say I don't see important parts of myself, I mean aspects of my personality like speaking in a way that most people can't - or simply will not - associate themselves with. I don't mean that I speak Mars and others speak a human language, but I'd rather not elaborate more. Another aspect, as laughable and unimportant as it will seem to others, is my love for fashion. I am nowhere near a die hard, but the way I look at the F-word is vastly different from others. People normally see it as a nice way to dress up themselves, and of course it's very good when people know how to take care of their surfaces. For me, I think of it in a way that a lot of people would just dismiss as lunatic or delusional. I think of this as an art, a way to empower yourself and a way to express yourself. In no way am I faulting other people for not sharing my sentiments, but rather I'm disappointed sometimes that there's no one I know who feels the way I do.

Anyway, those 'important parts' of me are simply two out of a few examples. The bottom line is that a) it depresses me when I feel differently about things compared to others and feel like I can't voice out in fear of alienation and b) a lot of the things that are essential about being me are also things that I don't see in other people, thus driving in that feeling of isolation and heightened desire to leave this country.

Yeah, all of this has been a great reason behind why I want nothing more than to get out of the small place where I am now. This is not a case of Penang being too small for my lofty ambitions, but rather more of a case where I need to look for someplace where I can feel less alone in myself, and perhaps escape the conventional lifestyle that might encase me if I don't hurry up and leave. There will be homesickness, and if and when the time comes, I'll probably be really sad to not come home to my dogs - yes, you read right, my canine children - but all of that will not keep me from the fact that I have to get out of this emotional rut that I'm going through. I know some people say we as humans do not deserve happiness, or even the right to ask for it, but for now I am going to ignore that notion and try best as I can to fight for it. Then at least at the end of whatever length my life takes I can say that I've tried.

I probably have more to say beyond this, but I think by this point I've indulged myself enough, and am just going to focus best as I can on navigating the next couple years I have left in my hometown, as well as try to keep myself from spiraling downwards in that equal span of time. Once again, I'm going to stress that the real source of all this is myself, and my inability to fit in with my natural and human surroundings. And since I pride on having a solution to every problem, I know that I already have a plan. I will have to try to channel all of these emotions best as I can somewhere healthy and safe, focus on keeping my CGPA up, and hopefully qualify myself for a scholarship that will take me to the new part of my life, which in turn I hope will change everything. Maybe that IS wishful thinking, but it's a plan I'm willing to go through all stages of.